TAKE SOME ADVICE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THE KID MERO WON'T WRITE IN ANY OTHER WAY.

If you’re looking for some loudly sharp and teen babysitter creampie sex videosunapologetically crass advice in your life, or just want to chortle heartily in a public place, Desus and Mero are here to help.

The pop culture and current affairs-obsessed TV hosts, podcasters, and comedians known as your pals the Bodega Boys have released their first-ever book, titled God-Level Knowledge Darts: Life Lessons from the Bronx. It's out through Random House on Sept. 22, and is no lackluster advice column — since meeting in a Bronx summer school in the ‘90s, Desus Nice (Daniel Baker) and The Kid Mero (Joel Martinez) have Seen Some Stuff.

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Dubbed by Desus a "fat sack of truth nuggets," the book tackles plenty of topics, from the don't-go-to-work-the-next-day effects of hallucinogens to having the best damn time hanging out with your kids, from why watching sports is better than playing to why you shouldn't date "people who don't pet dogs when presented with the opportunity." And Bodega Hive, you’ll always know who’s talking, because as I mentioned, The Kid Mero refuses to communicate in anything other than caps lock for the whole book, like his legendary Vice reviews: "SHOUT OUT TO YOU IF YOU BOUGHT THIS BOOK FOR ACTUAL ADVICE, AND NOT FOR YOUR VIP 1-PERSON LAUGHING PARTY."

You'll read the book in both Desus and Mero's voices in your head, but if that's not enough for you, they're also releasing an audiobook version. Here's an exclusive clip from Penguin Random House, in which the authors talk about sports — both about sucking at them, and betting on them.

PRH Audio · God-Level Knowledge Darts by Desus & Mero, read by the authors -audio clip

God-Level Knowledge Dartshad me simultaneously cackling like a witch in a gingerbread house and looking guiltily around with an obnoxiously pursed you-can't-say-that face (especially in the relationships chapter). There are no less than four pages spent on why you should never cyberflash someone, so shoutout to that, and the chapter on racist policing is a highlight of the book.

But as much as I’d like to describe how persistently blunt this book is (pun intended), I think you’d better sit down and take a spot of advice from the Bodega Boys themselves. Behold, seven life lessons from Desus and Mero’s book that whether you asked for them or not, you won't forget.

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The cover art is by Gustavo Dao. Credit: random house

1. People stay in relationships for all kinds of reasons

"Sometimes you’ll stay too long in a relationship because you love the other person, sometimes you’ll stay too long because the other person has central A/C and you have a fuckin box fan." — D

2. Crying is cathartic

"Relax dog, let the tears flow if you’re feeling it. Just don’t bawl … do that quiet snorting cry so you don’t look like a fuckin weirdo sobbing on the 4 train at 10 a.m. I'm on board with crying freely, but unless you wanna end up on someone's Instagram story, you're gonna have to find a less public venue to cry.” — M

3. Memes are key to a strong bond

"Communication is the key to a good relationship. But more important is memes. If you have a person you can share memes with, and they send you memes, you're creating a strong bond never seen since back in the 'everyone had Afros' days ... The problem with my meme relationship law is that it implies that sharing memes with a third party is essentially cheating. Sorry. Dem's the Twitter rules." — D

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4. Fair warning: kids absorb everything

"Kids by and large are a product of who is raising them. So if you think your kids are dickheads, you’re probably a dickhead too. The apple don’t fall far from the tree, my guy." — M

5. Want to ask someone out on the commute? Don't do it.

"Attempting to meet people in public is a dangerous game. Number one, most people going from Point A to Point B want to be left alone. Number two, see number one. If you think you have a connection with someone on the subway, I promise you, you don't. And surely you're like, 'Desus, what if I see the woman of my dreams?' to which I say this: Leave her alone." — D

6. Anyone can be washed. In fact, you're probably washed.

"Are you still hitting the club but have no idea what songs they're playing? You're washed. Did you attempt to do one of the new popular dances all the kids are doing but when you tried it at home in front of the mirror you think you pulled something? Washed. Turned to MSNBC from an NBA game because Rachel Maddow had breaking news? WWWWWWWASHED." — D

7. There's crime, and then there's not

"Not all crimes are crime-crimes. If you kill your whole family, you’re a criminal. If I sneak some weed on a flight, I’m just trying to smoke good, my guy." — D

God-Level Knowledge Darts is on sale through Random House Sept. 22.

Audio excerpted courtesy of Penguin Random House Audio from God-Level Knowledge Darts by Desus and Mero, narrated by the authors.

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